contrary techniques, however the identical outcomes

This publish is about the phenomenon of dad and mom who're themselves angry about the manner they have been raised through their own parents who, in response, make such an extreme attempt to be and act nothing like their dad and mom that they visit the alternative extreme. With a stunning end result.

as an example, parents who have been abused may over-indulge and over-guard their kids to the point wherein the children sense smothered. after they do that, they grow to be developing nearly the precise identical trouble for their child that they had! positive patterns of conduct, and what seem to be styles at the exact opposite extreme, grow to be growing a nearly identical trouble.

here's is why the compulsiveness with the aid of which the mother and father interact in various polarized or excessive behaviors creates this kind of state of affairs: kids examine their dad and mom conduct as indicating that the parents have a desire or need to keep to do some thing it's miles they're doing.

To hold witht the above example, smothered kids are induced to refuse to develop up and end up unbiased, because they believe that their mother and father have a pathological want to control, manipulate, and/or deal with them. they will look like incapable of doing many stuff for themselves which they're, in point of reality, pretty able to doing. They just will now not act properly for the cause I simply quoted. It is lots easier to fake incompetence than it is to fake competence.

Of course, these mother and father do now not need to make their baby unhappy, however it's miles a big parenting mistake to try and shield one's baby from all sadness. Doing this could lead children to behave as though they may be grossly impaired in their capacity to tolerate any adversity. they may have fantastic problem with autonomy, as much as the point wherein they will grow to be completely crippled.

however, when a baby is abused, they regularly develop up with a poor self-image. even though they'll recognize intellectually that the abuse became no longer their fault, they suppose that in some way they have to have executed some thing to deserve it. youngsters who as an alternative grow up feeling smothered, even if they recognise intellectually that they can be capable of a extraordinary many stuff, grow to be with a bad self image due to the fact they persuade themselves that the dad and mom want to don't have any self assurance in them. additionally, abusing children may also impair a infant's ability to feature independently - however so can overprotecting them. opposite parental behaviors, but the identical results.

that is an example of a precept i mentioned in my very first e book (link is outside) that I name the precept of contrary Behaviors. you can actually apprehend it higher by using searching on the quit result of the behavior styles. in the above cases, the quit result (or as I name it, the net effect) is the equal - poor self picture and lack of independence.

using any excessive or polarized parental behavior (a list of behavioral polarities can be found on my submit on my other blog from 8/24/10, Polar Exploration (link is outside)) can produce the equal cease end result as parental conduct at the exact opposite extreme.

Take drug abuse. A omitted teenager who starts to do something self negative like using pills will maintain to use capsules if the dad and mom don't appear to notice or appear to care. when such people develop up and have children, they may want to be the "unparent." they will need to talk to the child that they will word and could care - however they go to the extreme of, say, frequently tearing up the child's room looking for pills, and lecturing the kid steadily approximately the evils of drug use. That kind of behavior communicates to the kid that the dad and mom need to lecture, and need to hold seeking out capsules no matter any proof that the child is using - because they want to locate tablets so one can preserve to indulge their need to lecture.

a ways be it for a child to deprive the parent of a cherished position.  So the child begins to use pills, and leaves proof around for the mother and father to discover.

numerous people who have a look at drug abuse in human beings do no longer seem to apprehend this method. They preserve looking for animal fashions to explain drug abuse, but up to now had been unable to find any rats that conceal bottles.

right here are three core ideas concerned within the method by using which intense parental conduct can backfire:

1. If a figure time and again criticizes a baby or a teenager approximately the very equal behaviors, the kid will no longer most effective now not stop them, however will retain or even dramatically growth them.

2. If a figure always nags a infant or youngster to do the identical matters, the child will no longer only chorus from doing what the figure is ostensibly asking for, however will studiously avoid doing so - or maybe do the exact opposite.

3. If a figure continually tells children or teenagers they have some trait, or lack a few trait, the youngsters will compulsively act out the trait they had been told they have, and/or will compulsively keep away from doing whatever that indicates they clearly have any trait they had been told they lack.

A related but really one of a kind manifestation of the principle of contrary behaviors is seen in cases in which exceptional generations of individuals of a specific own family appear to trade among extreme contrary behaviors, as can be visible on a genogram. In this case, one generation is caused with the aid of their dad and mom' ambivalence and combined messages over a few difficulty to insurrection against the parents' severe behavior.

As examples, a generation of alcoholics can produce a era of teetotalers which in turn produces a generation of alcoholics. A era of nostril-to-the-grindstone operating kinds can generate kids who're hedonistic and irresponsible, who in turn generate youngsters who are workaholics. any other variant of the latter is when a family produces one infant who's a workaholic and any other who is a complete slacker.

This results of polarized or severe parental conduct is one of the primary mechanisms through which dysfunctional behavior is transmitted from one generation to any other.