When you’re pressured to find a husband in your teenage years

AT 14, I was battling acne, obsessed with sport and trying to find my fit in a swarm of 800 students at school.
I would go to the movies with friends on a Friday, followed by a sleepover or a birthday party on the weekend. No commitments, no pressures — a relatively ‘normal’ upbringing.
What I didn’t know, was that this lifestyle would be considered absolutely unacceptable for other girls my age.
Anna*, who grew up in a Lebanese-Christian household, had her teenage years bound by strict rules and regimes. The thought of staying over at a friend’s house would remain just that — a thought. She didn’t bother asking to go to the school dance, because the answer would be the same as it always was: ‘no.’
“It was seen as having too much fun — too many boys, bad things, bad influences, late at night,” Anna told news.com.au.
“Basically, going out at night was a big no-no in my teenage years.”
In an age where young girls are seen as growing up too quickly, influenced by social media and magazines, Anna said the pressure to start thinking like an adult started in her early high school years.
“For me, marriage pressure was on from the age of 14,” she said.
“Now that I’m 26, I’m on the ‘shelf’ and they [family] think I’ll never get married. I get asked everywhere I go.
“They just want you to get married because then you aren’t their responsibility any more.”
Anna, who has been in a relationship with her partner Nick for three years, said until they tie the knot — every social outing — day or night — must be approved by her parents.
“Being in my mid-twenties, I try and stand my ground, but they still manage to make you feel guilty about doing things at night outside of the house,” she said.
“They think you’re doing something wrong. They always think you’re lying, maybe out with a boy, so you just don’t bother.”
With both of Anna’s parents growing up in Lebanon, she has become accustomed to living under a strict roof her whole life.
“When you’re growing up it’s hard, but you form a group of friends that have the same culture as you, because they have the same rules as you. Not saying you don’t have Anglo friends, it’s just being with people of the same culture is easier.
Being in love isn’t enough to be able to live together. With both Anna and Nick growing up in religious families, the only way they will ever be able to share the same bed is if they get married.
“In order to have personal space, we might go and book a room to stay in for a few hours but we can’t stay the whole night. We check-out at midnight. It’s a big financial and emotional commitment.
“My parents are strict compared to my friends’. You grow up under strict conditions, but in comparison to my sisters I get away with a lot. But put me next to my friends, and my parents are as strict as hell.”
Anna isn’t alone.
Mary*, a 31-year-old social media producer in Sydney, recalls a strict set of ground rules from very early on in life.
“Sleepovers at anyone’s house growing up was a no-go. For whatever reason, whether it be a best friend or school camp, my siblings and I were never allowed to sleep anywhere except our own bed,” Mary said.
“This lasted well into our late teens. My mother believed it was a sign of bad manners and upbringing to sleep at another person’s house. ‘You have your own bed, why would you sleep in someone else’s’ was her reasoning.”
“I think it’s very different with men. It’s a very different,” Anna said, in regards to her cousins’ upbringing.
“Men can go on holidays. Parents are just a lot more strict on the women. I can’t even tell you why, it’s just the way it is.”
Working fulltime, Anna admits she is able to have a little more independence, but there is always a sense of ‘guilt’ for spending time away from the family home. Despite the restrictions she has dealt with growing up, Anna says she’ll adopt some of her parents disciplinary measures when she has children of her own.
“It’s a cultural thing and you accept that’s the way it is and it’s OK,” Anna said,
“I won’t do everything the same when I have kids. I think it’s nice to have a cultural balance, but in this day and age you can’t say no to things [like parties and sleepovers]. It’s important for kids to go to certain things.
“I don’t think I’d let my kids live with someone before marriage. I like the idea of starting something new after they are married. I feel like they would need to do things, like go on holidays, but I don’t think it’s a must that they move in together before getting married.”