Why we boast about our most tragic stories

WHEN you’re battling with a loss, the last thing you need to hear are stories of unspeakable tragedies meant to remind you that “you’ll be right”.
When my Nanny entered palliative care recently, my mum, myself and many of our relatives took turns keeping a bedside vigil, holding her hands, playing music and whispering our love.
As she entered her final hours, phone calls and texts flooded in from wellwishing family and friends, letting us know they were there for us if we needed to talk or cry or hug. These kind gestures warmed our hearts in such a heavy period.
But among the well-intentioned messages also came the odd commiserating story of people’s own similar experiences with cancer and dying loved ones and horrific grief.
I know they meant well, but when you’re in the throes of your own grief, you often don’t have the faculties to cope with somebody else’s. Sometimes you’re even left gobsmacked as they almost “one up” your grief with a story of something “worse”.
Amanda Lambros, counsellor and executive director of The Grief Recovery Method, says it happens all the time because we’ve never been taught how to respond to grief.
“People turn it around to themselves because they think, ‘If I provide an explanation of what I’ve been through, it’ll help them get through it’,” she says.
“In reality, that doesn’t work at all.”
Part of it, Lambros says, is about demonstrating that you understand how somebody is feeling. But in reality, every loss is unique and has its own complexities, such as whether you feel you have communicated everything you wanted to say to the person who died.
“Really you have absolutely no clue,” she insists. “You may have experienced a similar loss, but you would have no clue how I would be feeling about my loss.”
In most cases, the people contact you with best intentions, not realising they’re holding onto their own unprocessed grief.
“They might be thinking, ‘I’ll give them a call because I would have really liked it if somebody called me when I was going through a similar thing’,” she explains.
“But that might have been the first time they’ve ever really discussed their own loss and how it emotionally impacted on them. They’ve opened a can of worms that they didn’t even realise was a can of worms.”
In fact, what most people going through grief actually want is to be listened to, not spoken at.
“You need to sell yourself as a ‘heart with ears’,” Lambros says.
“Usually people who are experiencing loss just want to be heard. Offer a hug — the power of a hug is priceless.”
But she cautions against pulling away too soon. “Remember the hug is for them, not you,” she says. “You should hug them with all of your might until they let go.”
And if you do find yourself at the receiving end of a tearful acquaintance blubbering about their own loss, Lambros says you ought to be upfront if it’s upsetting you.
“You could stop the communication and say, ‘Listen, it’s not that I don’t want to hear this story about your mum, but I’m really feeling bad about mine and I just don’t feel I’m in the right frame of mind to listen to you. I just need a hug’,” she says.
I’ll be taking on Lambros’ parting message next time I’m doing the consoling: “Remember, you don’t need to say a damn thing”.