Your phone is not your friend, so stop acting like it

MY chest tightened and my palms prickled as I flattened myself against the wall and glanced around the party, looking for a familiar face. The handful of people I knew were in the bathroom, deep in conversation or outside smoking, and I’d rather fly solo than passive smoke on a beachfront balcony on a blustery winter night in Melbourne.
I was about to hightail to the bedroom to dig my phone out of my bag and fill the lonely minutes with some scrolling — not so much because I was hankering for the latest headlines but more so that I looked like I had something to do — but spying another lone ranger frantically tapping her screen made me think twice.
Ordinarily I would have gone up and introduced myself in the hope that we’d become instant soul sisters who could bond over our mutual obsession with colourful cushions. But her intense interest in what was happening on her screen created a barrier, leaving me assuming she’d rather interact online than make small talk with a stranger.
I totally get it. In this 24/7 world, there’s unwitting pressure to use every available second of our days, so much so that we feel like a loser if we don’t have emails or status updates to attend to in any moment of downtime. If I’m honest, I can’t recall the last time I was bone-achingly bored. If I’m ever looking for entertainment or have a moment between appointments or social catch-ups, I’ll find an app to tap.
But it turns out that pulling out our phones in every moment of downtime is doing more than just robbing us of spontaneous social interaction.
Health psychologist Dr Lauren Hamilton says relying on our phones to keep us busy and entertained is one of the biggest barriers to mindfulness, which is supposedly the secret to happiness.
“Mindfulness involves being actively engaged in your surroundings — so participating in the party or the wedding or just being aware of what is happening around you at a cafe,” she says.
“But it’s also about being able to sit with and accept whatever emotions come up. It’s the ability to sit with that uncomfortable feeling and recognise it is just a feeling and you can handle it and don’t need to escape it.”
She’s right, you know. I forced myself to bear the fidgety feeling and stand solo at the party, and before long, I’d calmed down and recognised that doing nothing wouldn’t actually kill me. Pretty soon someone struck up a conversation with me but I noticed the other solo flyer remained embedded in her phone.
“It can seem like your phone is your friend in those moments, but really it’s your friend that is holding you back from living your life,” Dr Hamilton says.
“It feels safe but it actually takes away the opportunity to engage in whatever situation you are in.”
Since then, I’ve been challenging myself to resist the temptation to pull out my phone whenever I’m alone in public, and it’s been pretty liberating. I’ve appreciated the incredible graffiti lining my train platform and have gotten some styling ideas from a restaurant I was looking around while waiting for a friend.
Sure, the awkward feelings still pop up, but having a handle on them is empowering. It’s incredible how quickly they actually subside and everything seems to slow down if every spare moment is not packed with activity.
“Setting these kinds of challenges increases your sense of self-efficacy and your ability to cope,” Dr Hamilton explains.