10 conversations you’ll have with your mum on Mother’s Day

To help you prepare for the big day, I’ve compiled the 10 conversations you will have with your mum at family lunch.
1. “You can’t say that, Mum!”
Mums are the most accidentally, politically incorrect people on earth. Their innocence provides no filter when delivering some juicy local gossip.
They never mean harm but sometimes don’t realise their choice of words can sound a tad racist.
Mum: The Asians who run the newsagents have moved house.
You: That sounds racist, mum!
Mum: I’m not being racist, Nathan! They are Asian aren’t they?!
And I won’t forget this little nugget from my mum not long ago:
Mum: She has two daughters — one is a teacher, the other one is a lesbian.
Me: Mum, lesbian isn’t an occupation.
2. “Guess who’s dead?”
Mothers love a good death don’t they? Morbid to say — but it’s the truth.
Is my mum the only one who reads the death notices in the paper scouring for a name they recognise? It’s done with the best intentions “I better make the family a casserole”
Have you noticed when someone in your family dies, mysterious casseroles appear at the front door? You have mums who read death notices to thank for that!
3. “I need your help with my iPhone, your father won’t help me”
It has been a 3-year commitment from my siblings and I to try and teach mum how to use her iPhone. Your mother will ask you at one point how to use a certain feature, how to take a photo, or how to answer it when it rings.
Mums seem incapable of comprehending how to swipe the screen right to answer the iPhone — they’d be awful at Tinder.
But be patient when teaching her. If you lose your temper you’ll get “you sound your father!” thrown at you.
4. “That’s not my name”
My mum (after her third Mimosa) often forgets my name (you know, the one given to me by her at birth). My mother has 6 brothers and I am often exhaustively called each of them before she finally arrives correctly at my name.
5. Facebook
Almost all mums have jumped on Facebook now. Hijacking statuses, commenting on your friend’s photos and embarrassing you with FDOA (Facebook Displays of Affection). We all have to deal with it.
This mothers day I plan to teach mum how to stop posting her CandyCrush scores on her newsfeed. Wish me luck!
6. The Live Bachelor Episode
My close single girlfriends have donated this one. They have told me their mums will always make a point of (not so) subtly pointing out single and available men around.
Mum: Helen’s eldest son has opened his own taxation firm, he’s single too, do you remember him from high school?
You: Brad? Mum, Brad’s gay!
Mum: Oh he is not! He’s always dressed very well. Anyway, give him a call.
7. Impromptu Charades
Your mum will be keen to share with you her thoughts on the latest film release she’s seen. The issue is, she will never know the name of the movie and the game of trying to guess which one she’s talking about is excruciating.
Mum: I saw that movie.
You: Which movie?
Mum: You know the one!
You: Which one?
Mum: The one with that actress!
You: Mum, that could be any movie
Mum: You know the one that I like! She was in that other movie with thingo ... that actor … what’s his name?
(This goes on for another 14 minutes)
8. Royal Baby
Fact: All Mums are monarchists.
So the latest royal baby is one of the highlights of the year for your mother!
Get your head around the basic royal baby news because she’s gonna wanna talk about it — the delivery, how Kate’s looking, and there may even be a few tears for Princess Diana.
Mum: “Diana would have loved a granddaughter” *starts tearing up.
9. Awkward medical check.
Catching up with Mum always means free medical advice, bulk billed of course.
The questions are personal and awkward.
“Have you had a prostate check lately, Nathan?”
“I hope your self checking your testicles for lumps when you shower, you have to stay on top of these things, Nathan!”
10. The “gift” lie
Each year, your mum lies to you about presents.
“All I want is a nice meal with my family.” or “Seeing you is present enough.”
Oh shut up! We don’t buy that for a second. Everyone wants presents. Go grab that new Human Nature CD or a Soap and Hand Cream pack from the Body Shop and shower your Mum with gifts.
She deserves it.